Sibling grief feels like second-hand grief.
It’s often not considered valid as parental grief, but there shouldn’t be a comparison. The same resources should be available for sibling grief and loss.
Losing a sibling leaves a profound emptiness that resonates throughout one’s life. Amidst the pain of grief, there may also be a sense of being overlooked, as the focus may gravitate towards the devastated parents.
When a sibling dies, the memories of childhood, yesterday’s unresolved issues, tomorrow’s plans, and a literal piece of “you” are now gone.
I hope you remember the depth of this loss when supporting a friend after a brother or sister has died.
And if you are the one grieving the death of your brother or sister . . . how can you not feel a profound sense of loss?
- You are grateful that your sibling had a social media presence, as this allows you to reflect on their life and allows their essence to live on.
- You find that your sibling’s friends are now your friends also, as you are the tie that binds them to their dear deceased friend.
- You realise that you are lucky because you are still here. You realize he might have been a better person than you, and you feel guilty about being alive when he isn’t.
- You appreciate that good things come from all kinds of surprising places. You acknowledge that this doesn’t make up for your sibling’s absence.
- You decide it’s not crazy to see signs. You decide you might be a little bit spiritual after all. You decide that your brother is the cardinal that visits, the planet shining in the night sky, the orange Subaru that drives by. You decide not to tell anyone that you feel this way, just in case.
- You know you are stronger for all you’ve been through, even though it sometimes makes you feel weak. You know you have scars instead of wounds, but the scars hurt; they always will.
- Because now you know it will always hurt, you start mourning everyone else you love ahead of time. You start seeing that everyone will die, and probably not in the right order. You start preparing yourself for pain.
- You are annoyed that everyone thinks maybe it’s finally time to get rid of that shrine you’ve built — replete with photos, mementos, and souvenirs. You are exasperated that, despite witnessing your non-linear journey, everyone thinks there is a straightforward timeline for this.
- You wonder when you will stop observing every birthday, counting up the years to determine the age he would have been, lighting a candle, and imagining how his hair would have grayed and his laugh lines would have deepened. You finally realize the answer is never.
If you or anyone you know needs help:
- Lifeline on 13 11 14
- Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636
- MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
- Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
- Headspace on 1800 650 890
- QLife on 1800 184 527
- 13Yarn 139276
- 1800 respect 1800 939 932
- Reach Out Australia 02 8029 7777 (Monday to Friday, 9 am to 5 pm)
