Ref: Beekle – Treees
Told by a client: I remember the day my brother passed away as clearly as if it happened just yesterday. We grew up side-by-side, sharing secrets, chasing dreams, and diving into endless adventures together. He was more than just my brother — he was my confidant, my co-conspirator, the one who understood me in a way no one else ever could. When he died, it felt like a part of me had disappeared with him. The house grew quieter, the laughter faded, and family gatherings were never quite whole again.
One evening, I found myself alone at our favourite spot by the lake — where we used to fish and talk for hours. The silence was heavy, almost overwhelming, and the memories of our time together came rushing back. It hit me then: his absence wasn’t just the loss of a sibling. It was the loss of a shared story, a living history, and a piece of myself.
As I moved through the waves of grief, I started finding comfort in the little things that reminded me of him—a song we both loved, a joke only we would laugh at, a memory sparked by something ordinary. In those small moments, I felt him with me. Slowly, I began to understand that while he may be gone, the bond we had is something I always carry with me—still real, still strong, still mine.
Whilst that is a touching story, not all sibling relationships are rosy. So, when a sibling dies who you have fallen out with, not seen in ages, avoid at family occasions, dies, you are mourning the relationship you wish you had.
The death of a sibling is a profound loss, no matter how old we are. Siblings often hold a unique place in our lives — they are the ones who journey alongside us the longest, sharing childhood memories, family stories, and the thread of a shared history.
When a sibling dies, especially if they were your only or last surviving sibling, the sense of connection to your family’s past can feel shaken. The way memories are shared in the family may change. It’s a deep, often unspoken grief — the loss of not just a person but of a shared lifelong bond.
Witnessing the pain of a parent in grief can be deeply heart-wrenching and, for surviving siblings, incredibly confusing. It adds another layer of sorrow to an already aching heart. Many siblings carry quiet questions—Why them and not me? —and feelings of guilt may gently linger. The absence is deeply felt whether a child, teen, or adult. Over time, the family dynamic quietly shifts. Even in moments of laughter or routine, a silent space remains—a tender reminder of the one who is no longer physically present yet is always held in the heart.
A Note About Language—In this post, the word “sibling” is used inclusively. I recognise that sibling relationships can take many forms—they may be biological, adoptive, step-siblings through marriage, foster siblings, or people connected through a chosen family. What matters most is the bond and shared experience that comes with a sibling dynamic.
Similarly, when we refer to ‘family,’ we do so with the understanding that family can have different meanings for different people. It may include biological relatives, chosen family, extended family, in-laws, or close friends — anyone part of a person’s core circle of love, support, and connection.
Becoming an only child
It’s one thing to be an only child from the day you are born – to have all the attention, shoulder all the expectations, receive all the accolades and all the criticism, all the gifts and all the burdens. I imagine you become accustomed to it when it’s all you know. But it’s another thing entirely to have only-child status thrust upon you out of nowhere, as in hey, as of right now, you are on your own.
Your known identity may be challenged as you feel disconnected from your past and may feel alone. You may experience an existential re-evaluation of your life and how it may or may not bring meaning to you.
The sudden onset of becoming an only child creates expectations from your family aside from your grief
Sometimes, the “life admin” that comes with this death is an extensive task. It may fall to you if your sibling didn’t have their own family or close friend dealing with their estate. Then you have your parents needing to change their Will, maybe your Will too. You could be packing a unit, finding a new home for their pets, organising the funeral, and taking over their social accounts. If it was a sudden death and there was no terminal illness involved, then you may have to support your parents while waiting for the coroner to make their decisions.
The guilt of being alive
The first few weeks after the loss are an emotionally overwhelming and exhausting time. Though surrounded by loving and supportive people, the bereaved often found themselves moving between deep feelings of isolation and the shared sorrow of collective mourning.
There were moments when tending to others’ grief felt especially heavy — not out of a lack of care, but because the energy to support others was consumed by the sheer effort of getting through each day. In those early weeks, self-preservation may become necessary, even when it clashes with the desire to comfort those around you.
As the initial shock began to fade, a different kind of pain emerged — a persistent mental anguish that settled in more deeply. Later, a person may encounter the concept of survivor’s guilt. It wasn’t necessarily the guilt of still being alive, but rather the aching guilt of continuing to live — of experiencing moments, joys, or even mundane routines — that became especially hard to bear.
It’s not just the grief felt initially; it’s the long-term losses that lie ahead. For your children and their cousins, for family gatherings where they are absent, any life event now without them. There is a separate sadness from a person’s grief, and that is the sadness that an awful and unfair thing happened, and that a sibling didn’t get to enjoy what life may have had in store for them.
Reactions to losing a sibling ref: www.cruse.org/uk
- Confusion
Our siblings often share our family history and formative years. Their death can make you feel unsure about your place in the world.
- Loss of youth
The death of a brother or sister can affect your relationship to the past. It can make you feel like you’re no longer young, and make your childhood seem further and further away. For children and teenagers, the death of a sibling may also mean taking on more adult responsibilities such as caring for parents or younger siblings.
- Shock
The death of a sibling can be very hard to process. We’re often told that our brothers and sisters will still be there when our parents are no longer with us. To have this taken away can be deeply unsettling.
- My grief doesn’t matter
When someone dies, it is common for people to focus their support on the parents, partner or children of the person who died. Siblings, whether as adults or children, can sometimes be left out and made to feel like their grief doesn’t matter. This feeling is called ‘disenfranchised grief’ by professionals.
- Change in responsibilities
You may now be taking on more caring responsibilities for elderly parents or children. If you have been left as an only child you will have no-one to share this burden with. This can be very stressful.
- Regret
It’s normal to feel regret after someone dies, particularly if you had a strained relationship with your sibling. You might regret the things you said to them while they were alive, or regret not spending enough time with them. Writing a letter to the person who died is a really helpful way to manage regret
Supporting yourself
- Talk to someone
Talking can really help. Talking to friends and family is really important. We’re also here to help you make sense of how you’re feeling.
- Find ways to remember them
It can help to think of ways you can remember your sibling, and keep them as part of your life. This might mean keeping a few special possessions, creating a memory box or special album of pictures, or organising a time for family and friends to come together and remember.
- Plan on anniversaries
Birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations are difficult after someone close to us dies. It helps to plan how you are going to spend the day.
- Journaling and writing
Writing letters to the person is helpful. Putting things down in words allows you to clarify your thoughts and maintain a bond with the person who’s died.
If you or anyone you know needs help:
- Lifeline on 13 11 14
- Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636
- MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
- Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
- Headspace on 1800 650 890
- QLife on 1800 184 527
